When Parents Don’t Change at the Same Time: On Matrescence, Patrescence, and the Challenge of Marriage After Baby

One of the most common and least talked about dynamics I see in my work with mothers is this:

We all embrace parenthood on our own timeline.

Many people believe that parenthood begins at birth, the minute your baby enters the world. But emotionally, mentally, and psychologically, the transition often happens on different timelines for each partner. And that mismatch can feel jarring in maintaining a relationship, especially in the early postpartum months when everything already feels upside down.

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Matrescence Is a Tidal Shift

The term matrescence describes the profound transformation a person goes through when becoming a mother. Like adolescence, it’s hormonal, emotional, physical, social, and spiritual. And it often begins well before the baby is born.

Many mothers describe feeling a shift the moment they see a positive pregnancy test. From that point on, the changes come in waves: the body transforms, the mind recalibrates, the inner world gets noisier. Questions about identity, purpose, and worth bubble to the surface:

“Who am I now?”

“Where did my old self go?”

“Am I doing any of this right?”

This transformation is ongoing, complex, and often isolating—especially when the other parent doesn’t appear to be going through the same thing.

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Patrescence Happens Too—But Differently

While not as widely recognized, patrescence—the transition into fatherhood or non-birthing parenthood—is also real. But it tends to occur more gradually and externally. Many non-birthing parents report that their full sense of parenthood doesn’t arrive until the baby is more interactive—smiling, responding, needing them in a more visible way.

In contrast to the all-consuming immediacy of matrescence, patrescence can look slower, steadier, even more optional in the early days. And this difference often creates a sense of emotional distance in couples.

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A Common Gap in Relationships Postpartum

This disconnect can leave one partner feeling overwhelmed and transformed, while the other seems unchanged or even unaware of how drastically life has shifted.

In conversations with new moms, I often hear:

• “It feels like I’ve disappeared and become someone new.”

• “I’m carrying so much of the invisible labor.”

• “I hate that my life changed so much, and his is just the same.”

What’s most painful is not only an imbalance in effort—it’s the lack of shared reality. When one person is deep in identity upheaval and the other is still finding their footing, it’s easy to feel alone in the experience.

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Supporting Couples Through Asynchronous Becoming

Here are a few ways I encourage couples to navigate this common, and often unexpected, divergence:

1. Name the experience. Understanding that matrescence and patrescence exist—and that they often unfold differently—is a powerful step. It validates both partners and removes the blame.

2. Avoid comparison, invite curiosity. Instead of tallying effort or pain, I encourage couples to share their internal experiences. “What’s been hardest for you lately?” is often more connective than “You don’t get what I’m going through.”

3. Let go of the expectation that the journey should be equal or simultaneous. Equal love doesn’t mean equal experience. The process of becoming a parent is deeply individual—and acknowledging that makes space for each partner’s growth.

4. Create rituals of reconnection. In the fog of early parenting, moments of attunement—a check-in over coffee, a shared laugh, a non-baby-related conversation—can remind couples of their foundation.

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You’re Not Broken—You’re Becoming

This mismatch in timing doesn’t mean a relationship is failing. It means two people are undergoing separate transformations while trying to raise a human together.

When we stop expecting perfect symmetry and start honoring the different paths of becoming, something softens. There’s more room for empathy. For grace. For rebuilding connection—on new terms.

In my work, I see this often: couples who feel distant in the early postpartum period, who grieve the loss of how things used to feel, and who wonder if they’ll ever get back to themselves—or to each other.

More often than not, with time, support, and space to grow at their own pace, they do.

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Let this be a reminder: if you feel out of sync with your partner after baby, you’re not alone. You’re not failing. You’re becoming. And becoming takes time.